Hi World it's me. When I was growing up I never figured that most of my adult life would be spent in such intense pain that many days I would wonder how I can keep going. We all have dreams and aspirations when we're younger, all the great things we'll do; have a fulfilling career that we enjoy and that pays the bills, with enough left over to do things we want and still be able to save some for our so-called "Golden Years". We dream of a loving partner and 0-? children, and a comfy home to live in.

I had managed to survive three years of severe abuse and neglect from an alcoholic mother when I was separated from my father and brother as a young child. The emotional pain from that and from living with a so-called "Christian man", who was very fond of young girls as a teen was enough pain to last a lifetime, or so I thought. Apparently I was wrong. God had a much different plan for my life than I did.

Pain. Such a small, non-intimidating looking word, yet it can have an unbelievably HUGE impact on your life. Chronic pain can take over your life in ways that the darkest recesses of your mind couldn't even begin to fathom. It dictates everything you do each and every minute, every second, of your life. You begin to lose control over every aspect of your existence. Your days will never be the same once chronic pain takes up residence in your body. Your nights are forever restless as this evil device controls them. It seems to have a mind of it’s own, taking a perverse pleasure in waiting, watching, until you appear to drift off, then it will strike, continually waking you it seems, just to toy with you, to torture you and make your life miserable. Then you crawl, literally, out of bed to begin your day.

Which is easier to deal with, the nights with chronic pain, or the days? It’s really hard to say. Each of them have their own special challenges. Days are spent just trying to endure, but wait a minute, so are the nights damn it. The chronic pain in my case means I never have to worry about it coming back, because it never goes away. It may ease up sometimes and become more tolerable, but it’s never gone completely. I remember being told growing up that you’re not supposed to ask for things for yourself when you say your prayers. If that’s the case, I must apologize to God because I can’t help it, every night when I say my prayers I ask for relief. I’m sorry, but I’m not a martyr, at least not by choice.

There’s very few things I want in this world, because in some ways I’m richer than I feel I deserve to be. I have an incredible husband who loves and respects me. He helps me in any way he possibly can and most of the time he treats me like a queen. I had never really believed the “soul mate” hype growing up but now I actually do because I’ve found mine. I don’t believe there is any other person, male or female, who could possibly understand and care, or connect with me the way he does. I’ve never seen another man treat his wife as well as mine does, although his father came close with his mother. His father loved his mother deeply, and when she passed away you could tell that a part of his soul went with her. Even now, over four years later, you can still see that emptiness in him, though he tries to be “tough“ and not let it show. I also pray that I never have to endure that type of emotional pain in my life. Somehow I feel like I’ve had enough. Yet, on the other hand, I would hate for my husband to have to endure that kind of pain either.

I would be so glad to go back to working this very minute rather than spending my days in tears from the pain. I’ve learned to detest the phrase “You’re so lucky you don’t have to work”. There’s been a few times I’ve really wanted to pull someone’s tongue out and flush it down the toilet over that phrase. That one along with “you’re a healthy young thing, you don’t need that cane”, just slays me. How anyone can decide they know someone else’s medical history and condition just by looking at them or because they’re not 90 is beyond me. I’m really fond of that joke about stupid people being like slinkys…..they’re not really good for anything, but it’s fun to push them down the stairs J . Yeah, I know, pain can do some strange things to your brain. Oh well….more later.

Tags: Chronic Pain

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