Yesterday, I had the opportunity to return to the non-Profit I used to work for in need of services. I worked for an agency that catered to the needs of people with disabilities for over 13 yeas as an Independent Living Advisor. If any of you are familiar with Centers for Indpendent Livings, then that is the type of non-profit I speak of.

My mom who is a senior citizen was in need of a rollator, because her present walker is not only uncomfortable for her, but did not provide a way for her to rest when she gets tired while walking. Hence the equipment locker of the agency provides equipment on a loaned basis.

It was really culture shock for me to walk back through the doors, the scary part is at that monent I felt as if I'd never left. I immediately began to talk shop and catch up on policy, and operations of the agency with anyone who engaged me. I also heard myself beaming proudly that the position I used to work, covered all of the individual assignments that present Independent Living Specialists" are able to handle by themselves. I also thought secretly that they were not very challenged! I mean how could you just be responsible for one specialty don't you need to know about the whole agency and how it works? The staff was very competent but I found myself thinking I wouldn't have executed this particular comment like that with regards to core services. It was a hysterical moment realizing that I was subjecting them to my critique!!  There was one true thing that I could not help but think, and that was that maybe just maybe human services is my destiny? I actually felt stimulated which was really weird because I'd really walked away voluntarily years ago when I became ill. No matter what my Director offered at the time for me to stay on staff, I still felt I had to leave because at that time I didn't feel I could offer one hundred percent. And if nothing else as a type A personality, my work ethic is off the chart. I beleived in giving my consumers one hundred plus and then some, of my time, expertise, and effort while attempting to aid them in reaching their goals.

Oh my God! I've come to realize, that was so much bull______! The reason I walked was because, I felt sorry for myself because I'd become ill and I couldn't see pass that. I did beleive in giving one hundred percent plus of myself to my work. But I totally negated the fact that I worked for an agency that would accomodate the person i'd become. Going back there yesterday with my mom made this very clear to me.  I'm not regretting my choice back then. I really needed some time back then to adjust. 

My old director is still there and he came out to greet my mom and I when he was told I was there. That was very heady stuff! I gave him a big hug, i'm just thankful I didn't tear up.You know like a girl!!  I used to live for my job, and that man's respect. He was no nonsense, professional, goal oriented and uncomplicated, when I worked there, and that's the work environment I liked and thrived in. He is one of the greatest people i'd ever worked with or for. He gave me autonomy over my programs and trusted me to get it done. He also alerted me when I was taking myself too seriously, but he valued and trusted my opinion. After coming home yesterday. I had to ask myself why didn't you go back? Or better yet why did you leave?  The truth of the matter is that looking back I really did need the time, because I'd begun to feel detached from the focus of my job, and wondering wheter it mattered. One example is when I was speaking to a group of seniors @ a nursing home, while doing a presentation of services the agency offered, I found myself looking at them, the senior citizens, and asking is this it then, you get sick you get old and then this is it? I used to love doing presentations. In a way they were part of our bread and butter. You know funding? Yes we did grants but presentations could garner the local funding and get the information out. I didn't have the room to become cynical. We as a non-profit couln't afford my cyncism at that time. Our agency functioned as a team. It was time for me to go!

At that point in my illness as it had just begun, and at that time in my assessment of me. I knew I needed some time. I was good at what I did, it was important to me to be that good, and I could not offer consumers anything less than my best, and that is why I didn't go back. My mom got a beatiful burgundy rollator with the seat, and storage compartment underneath, she also received a very needed reacher. She has limited reach in her arms due to spinal stenosis. She was so happy and I could breath very well I noticed later, and my movement or ambulation was almost fluid. Go figure! Was it the psychological effect of focusing on my mom's needs and not my own? I'll think about that, maybe that's another blog.

Will I ever go back to the agency? I'm working on that answer. But I have to say that there is the saying that you can never go home again, well I did on yesterday. And it was good!

Blueberrypi

Tags: Back To My Old Job

Bookmark: